


Worry

by klutzy34



Series: Season 7 [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 7x18 coda, Anxiety, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 22:31:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9925643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klutzy34/pseuds/klutzy34
Summary: An apology meant sharing the tangle inside his head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There are already a few wonderfully done fics for 7x18 but the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it out, which is a nice change of pace after the long writer's block, however very rusty. The fic is unbeta'd, any mistakes my own despite a few readthroughs.

Danny played through the conversation in his head several times before his thumb hit SEND, Steve’s contact ID photo giving way to the generic colors of the call connecting to another phone a small distance away. Ringing once, twice, three times. By the fourth, anxiety coiled up again in Danny’s stomach like a viper ready to strike, his heart thundering in his chest. A fifth ring and the line finally connected, Steve’s voice decimating his carefully constructed explanation like the dirty bomb had half the vegetation in the O’ahu forest two days before. 

“I wasn’t going to _not_ talk to you about it,” Danny blurted out, fingers tightening around the warm ceramic of the coffee mug in his hands, resting on his knees as he leaned back against the kitchen counters, staring up at the rainbow reflection made by the early morning sun bouncing off something glass somewhere. “After seven years, everything we’ve been through, I wasn’t going to just leave you out of it. I wasn’t ready to talk.” 

No, this was not the conversation he planned to have with Steve. Despite the aftermath of the dirty bomb, Steve trying to reiterate that Danny would name his restaurant after him despite the ringing in their ears making it impossible to hear him entirely, the dinner the next night at Steve’s, things didn’t feel right until Danny talked to him, not just making sure they were okay, but making sure they were _OKAY_ , emphasis and caps lock needed. There was a world of difference between the two and he had experienced both, the former a discomforting feeling when he was used to the latter being a dominant in their relationship. The previous year left him off kilter, questioning his place in Steve’s life, on the team, his abilities, and it didn’t take much for the anxiety to resurface, Danny desperately trying to bat it away by clearing up any misunderstandings as soon as possible.

Well, soon. It had taken a few days before he got to the conversation, as well as most of his hearing restored. 

‘I mean, it was just a list, a thought inspired by Grace’s homework assignment. An idle, deep feeling, a fear of what the future would bring. The last seven years have taught me to expect the unexpected, as much as I’d rather the unexpected not drop in like some unwelcome house guest. It’s not like I have much choice in the matter when it comes to that. However, I got to thinking there are some things that I can control, maybe, and so I let myself think ahead for just a moment, about maybes and what ifs,” he added, unconsciously feeling tethered with both hands full and unable to move much at the moment. The antsy feeling redirected and he shifted forward, sitting in a cross-legged position on the kitchen floor, letting out a deep breath. 

“Back home, I saw guys burn out, you know? They come in all wide-eyed and hopeful, thinking they’re going to save the world, then years later, there they are. The world they want to save has beaten that naivete out of ‘em and they’re doing everything they can not to eat their gun or let their demons drown them because every glass they drain empty doesn’t have a solution at the bottom. That’s not all of them, of course, but the ones that get really invested. I’ve watched them self-destruct, Steve. Lose their relationships, families, get left with nothing and it’s all of their own making.” 

And he’d already taken a step in that direction. Carefully tucked away in a lockbox in his bedroom, despite wanting nothing to do with them but needing to keep them just in case, were divorce papers, the remnants of a relationship that went down in flames because Danny was too much cop to see Rachel’s point of view. 

Maybe it was almost losing Steve, maybe it was the look in Charlie’s eyes of admiration when Danny clipped his badge to his belt, maybe it was Grace’s guarded look of concern when she thought he wasn’t looking, that sent his mind tumbling down the worst path and turned him towards creating what he thought would be a better future. Less chance of getting shot at, blown up, dying in a fiery crash or explosion. 

More of a chance Steve got shot again, blown up, died in a fiery crash or explosion, in another country, on home soil. Danny swallowed hard, his chin dipping down as he closed his eyes. “I’m not - we’re not the same, Steve. I know the Navy trained you to compartmentalize, but I didn’t learn that. I was one of those naive young guys coming in, you know? All swagger, wanting to save the world. Then I think I can do that as a detective, bringing peace and justice to families, people that lost their loved ones. But you don’t think about all the bodies you see, the real dregs of humanity, the depravity. You don’t think about how your heart is going to break for people over and over again or you’re going to keep seeing the bodies.” One of those bodies in pieces, decaying, personal. His own little brother treated like common trash and he wasn’t alone there. Steve no doubt felt that loss when he saw the crime scene where his father’s life had ended, Chin when he returned to the home where his wife died in his arms. “Sometimes you get run down, exhausted.”

They all lost and yet somehow, they kept managing and that, that was what Danny needed and received a reminder of, not only in the aftermath of the explosion but at Steve’s house, surrounded by their Ohana. It wasn’t that alone, but the idea of Steve out on the job, without his partner, while Danny played it safe. It presented a complicated pattern of thought for Danny, but one in which the train kept pointing towards the only choice that made sense, even to the point of derailing mid-thought just to get there. 

“So yeah, retirement might get me away from that shit, but it’s not going to change what’s already there. I’m still going to risk my life every damn day, but I’m still going to be helping people, maybe easing the weight on my, our shoulders. And I’m still going to have your back, no matter what. You’re infuriating and frustrating and a control freak, but you are a part of me and the thought of losing you, us, would absolutely kill me.”

He was up on his feet then, pacing the length of the kitchen. The cup of coffee, now gone cold, had been abandoned on the counter and his hand waved side to side, up and down, releasing the pent up energy as Danny spoke. In the back of his mind, he realized that he’d given Steve no room to speak up, not unless he barged in, but the SEAL remained silent on the other end. Danny only broke a second to check and make sure the call was still connected. It was - so Steve was either listening that intently or he’d abandoned the phone in favor of riding the rant out. Danny honestly couldn’t blame him for the latter.

“I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, okay? I can say that now that we’re not going to die in a fiery tropical hell. You don’t say that to someone when you think you’re going to die because then they’re wondering why, why only then? You want it to be real, you say it when you’re not in danger, when you’re not just out of danger, when there’s no danger in the rearview mirror or ahead.. You say it unprovoked because then it’s whole and honest and genuine and, and _I love you_ , okay? I’ve loved you for years, you schmuck, and I’m not going to retire anytime soon because I don’t just love you, I _get_ you and you get me. Maybe not at every emotional depth but I can give you a look and you just - you just know, okay? That’s important. That connection.”

The words were spilling out of him faster and faster, Danny barely taking a breath, feeling almost manic. Still moving, still pacing, the kitchen a blur as the only thing he focused on were the words leaving his mouth faster than his brain could process or filter, hoping he was making at least a little goddamn sense. “I love you and I need you, babe, and given your predilection for danger, I’m not going to retire because I need to be there with you, not praying you come home safe.” There. The furious verbal storm stopped and Danny felt like he’d been drained of all energy, resting his free hand against the counter and leaning forward. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. My head is a mess and when it’s a mess like that, I don’t even know if I can explain it to someone else, much less understand it myself,” he admitted softly after a moment. “It’s still a mess, but I’m working on it, okay? And I will try to be better in the future and-”

He wasn’t expecting the muscular arms that encircled him from behind, the warm body pressing against his, but it didn’t take long before he relaxed into the touch. Steve’s chin rest against the top of his head and Danny closed his eyes, the phone still clutched tightly to his ear. He must have already been on his way over when Danny called him, sneaking into the house on arrival. After a moment, Steve released him with one arm to take the phone away, hitting the end button. “Sorry,” Danny mumbled again, but it was no less heartfelt than any that came before it. ‘I won’t - I’ll try not to - “

“Shut up, Daniel,” Steve admonished him quietly from behind, returning to clinging to Danny like he was a liferaft and Steve was a castaway in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. The comparison made him drop his arms to rest over Steve’s, holding tight. “Just - don’t do all that deep talking in your head. I’m here and I’ll listen, even if I don’t understand it.” The plea was almost desperate in tone and Danny felt his heart squeeze, even guiltier than before. “You worry. You worry about every fucking thing. I’ll help you worry if you need to.” There was something else there, an unspoken plea that Steve no doubt felt guilty about even thinking, knowing his partner. It was the one thing Steve needed to hear. Again.

“I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving you, okay?” Danny slipped out of his arms so he could face him, right hand behind Steve’s neck, looking up into his partner’s weary, wary, almost childish in its anxiety and fear, expression. That hurt even more, that he’d become so wrapped up in his tangled thoughts that he’d forgotten how much Steve had been left, how many secrets had been kept from him. It was the expression that made Danny swear up one side and down the other that he wouldn’t do the same, but had violated on a minor level. “My head was a mess, yes, and I forgot but that’s not an excuse to not say something and I’ll try to do better next time. The last few days, I remembered why I’m here, why we’re partners, why I’m not going to retire anytime soon. You’re too important for me to lose now, got it?” He poked him in the chest. “You worked your way into my life and now you’re stuck, babe. You’re never leaving Hotel California, Williams-style.” When that brought a faint smile to Steve’s lips, Danny started to grin as well. “You’re also a hell of a danger magnet. I’d feel terrible leaving that to the rest of the team in addition to their workload.” 

Steve swooped in again, arms crushing Danny to him in a hug. Danny put his arms around his neck, standing on tip toes. He closed his eyes, resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder, taking a few moments to soak in the embrace. “I love you, Steve, and I’m not going anywhere. No matter what, I’ll be here, you’ll be here. Even when we’re not together, we’re together, right?”

Steve nodded slowly and Danny felt him swallow hard. “Yeah,” he said finally, hugging Danny tighter. “Yeah. Together forever, buddy. That’s how it goes.” He cradled the back of Danny’s head. 

“Out of danger, away from danger, no danger imminent, I mean what I said. I love you too, Danny.”


End file.
